Hello, long time no blog! Before I begin this post, I want to acknowledge that right now, there is no main theme of this blog—rather, it is acting as a way for me to jot down any and all of my thoughts from the past few weeks. And wow, a lot has been going on.

As a former avid fan of all things YouTube, I am no stranger to the wave of cancellations that are unfortunately all too familiar on this platform. We’ve all seen the fake tears, the relentless denial, the blank stares into the camera, and, now thanks to our newest addition to the collection, even the occasional ukelele. 

I realize that I am a few weeks late to talking about Colleen Ballinger’s “Toxic Gossip Train” “apology” video, but I think now that the initial wave of interest has subsided, I’ve really been able to reflect on the question of what makes an apology genuine — or at least appear that way. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about this question as someone who tends to be a chronic over-apologizer. In the words of Ariana Grande, “I’m sorry that I say sorry way too much.” And so what struck me the most as I watched Colleen strum that ukelele to her heart’s content was actually the absence of this word. She claimed to take accountability, to hold herself to a high standard of improving herself and her morals, but never actually took a moment to say the words “sorry, I messed up.”

And, aside from the fact that she brought out a freaking ukelele to film an apology video, this very fact was perhaps her biggest downfall. Apologizing is important because it demonstrates that you have taken a moment to listen to the other person’s perspective, to reflect on what it is that renders a need for an apology, and to internalize what it is that you need to change about your behavior. Too often, people fail to take these steps because of a sense of pride: By saying sorry, you are essentially demonstrating that you have surrendered, thus putting you at a position of inferiority and stripping you from power you might have held.

The more I thought about what a genuine apology really looks like, the more I realized that there are several forms of an apology that fail to meet the requirements of it being viewed as one that is genuine. 

1. The over-apologizer

Because it’s top of mind, I wanted to bring this method of apology to light. And, for all of my anxious girlies out there, I just wanted to tell you this…

YOU DON’T NEED TO SAY SORRY FOR THE THOUSANDTH TIME!

When you are inundating someone with apology after apology, it is no longer clear what you are actually apologizing for. Every single time you say sorry, you should have a reason behind doing so. If there isn’t a reason, your words are empty, and have no truth behind them. 

This means stop using sorry as a filler word; stop feeling guilty if this guilt is not shared between both parties; stop beating yourself up. A sorry is sacred—when you use it too much, you become the boy who cried wolf, and people will begin to believe you less. 

2. “I’m sorry, but…”

God, I do this all the time! In an effort to try and explain myself and my reasoning behind certain behavior, this is what comes out of my mouth in the form of an apology. I do this because intention is a big deal for me—I want to assure people that it was not my intention to upset them or be malicious. But in actuality, this statement just ends up diminishing how the other person feels. By negating the words “I’m sorry,” with the word “but,” you are essentially erasing any semblance of an apology that comes with it. 

Instead of framing an apology in this way, try to instead state the reasons why you are apologizing. It’s actually still possible to explain why you did something, to show intention behind your actions—but do so after you have fully apologized. 

3. The love dumper or gift giver

When you say sorry, do not accompany that apology with random bursts of love or gifts. An apology should stand on its own, and should be demonstrated by your consistent efforts to change your behavior that may have upset someone. Because, after all, that’s really what an apology is: proving to someone that you acknowledged your behavior and will make every effort to do better in the future. 

Telling someone how much you love and appreciate them, or buying them every single kind of flower in the world, are valiant efforts and can indeed be sweet acts of kindness for someone you love! But sometimes this is not what someone is looking for in an apology. You cannot buy back someone’s trust in you—you have to work for that. 

4. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

Oh god, not this one! Absolutely avoid this apology at all costs. I don’t even think I need to explain it, but I will: If someone is telling you that they are upset with you, it’s for a reason. They are not just “feeling” a certain way, like a weird premonition or something. They are telling you that something you did upset them, so please, for the love of God, fix it!

5. An absence of sorry

Sorry is a tricky thing to say, as I discussed in the beginning of this post. And while I don’t believe you should apologize if you do not fully understand the reason behind doing so, I also don’t think you should fail to tell someone that you are sorry. Because, after all, it is a word with a lot of power. It’s a way to bridge divides and make two ends meet. Without it, there will be no conclusion to the way something turned out. Just two people with a whole lot of misunderstanding between them. 

At the end of the day, no matter how you apologize, what’s important is that you listen to what someone has to say, as miscommunication can often be what damages a relationship. Listening works wonders, and has certainly taught me all of the ways that I’ve been shielding a real, genuine apology with my own versions of what I believe to be one.