Hello, hello! Happy twentieth blog post — officially a year and two months into starting this little platform and, also, moving to New York City. 

It’s only fitting that the big 2-0 marks a special occasion, and, in fact, it does: I will officially be moving out of the big apple in the coming month(s) to pursue…I’m not sure what, yet, but hopefully something soon! Telling myself that this is okay – to live in the in-between of life. Sitting with the what ifs, appreciating the if onlys, longing for the happily ever after…

I truly did love my time in New York. I loved the friendships it brought me, the spontaneity of any day of the week, the ups and downs that any new season of life contains. I loved its walkability, its public transportation (though, come on, $2.90 for a one-way subway ride?), its bagels and greasy pizza slices with oil that drips down your entire arm. 

I adored living with the two sweetest people in the world right near Prospect Park, a place I could always count on to walk me through my mental spirals and help me find a way out. It was there that I was able to find a home in the green space, something my body ached for during my time in the city. The dog beach, the free summer concerts, the tiny little Prospect Park Zoo (yes, it has one!) where a lone sea lion cried over and over again to be released. Oddly enough, I kind of related to that sea lion, except I made the choice to live in the city and that little dude did not. And who knows when he’ll get his freedom, if ever. 

There will be many aspects about New York City that I will miss when gone. But, my body and mind have been tired of it for some time. I was just scared of making the wrong choice by leaving a city that everyone else seems to find so special — maybe I just needed more time? Surely, I would fall in love with this place eventually? There had to be something I was missing?

Alas, nothing ever clicked. Of course, there were certainly moments where I could step out of self a bit, and think it was objectively cool to be living here, a place where so many dream to make it. Moments where I would have a whirlwind of a weekend with friends, and think to myself, “to love and to be loved in New York City! What a gift.”

Even still, as much as I tried to make myself fit inside of it, the city was just not for me. With a neurodivergent brain like mine, there were, unfortunately, too many stressors, too much overstimulation, too much to fear, for me to ever adjust in the way a neurotypical brain might. I wanted to do everything; I needed to try it all. So many choices! How will I ever choose? (Spoiler alert: She never could).

And so, I burned my brain out, trying and trying each day to make some sort of name for myself in a city where everyone is also vying for that number one position. And for what reason? The only race is the human one, right? (LOL)

And, I simultaneously learned, I don’t need to be anything special. We can’t all possibly be number one. I can just be me. Living in a smaller city, hopefully soon, with new dreams, not as grandiose, but just as real. Just as important. 

If one thing is for sure, I will definitely be around more nature soon. And, for the time being, I’m still close by, soaking up the beautiful nature of suburbia. 

I had written this poem a little while ago on one of those nights where New York City was just not making sense: 

You know how they say

Distance makes the heart grow fonder

Perhaps that is how I feel about New York

This place has always felt like a cousin to me

The kind you see every few years. 

You remember this cousin fondly, 

But you can only handle them for a weekend. 

Perhaps that is how I feel about New York. 

It’s funny, now, I’m reflecting on this poem and missing all of my cousins so much – the nostalgia they bring. New York City sort of will always have that effect on me, bringing with it a certain nostalgia, a craving to be back to the way things were before they weren’t, a need to fit in, for others to find me cool and special, the way you do with all of your older cousins. 

And so, goodbye, New York! I will see you again soon, but this time for shorter bursts and sleeping on friends’ couches, if they’ll allow it. 

In the meantime, message me if you want to live with the best roomies in the world!

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