My therapist is taking a much-needed vacation this week, so, sorry, but this blog will likely turn into all of my therapeutic rantings (so maybe just a journal entry…?) Truthfully, I opened my laptop not exactly sure what to write about, but knew I needed to write something, so, that’s what you’re getting. 

I’ve come to the realization that my blogs sound way too positive, too motivational. I guess that’s because by the end of my blog I come full circle, convincing myself of optimism, which isn’t a bad thing, just a LIE. We need some pessimism up in here. Would you like to know a day in the life of what my brain really sounds like?

Drum roll please…

Let the anxiety COMMENCE! (it never left…)

*cue early 2000s PSA commercial voice* Does anyone else feel like they are never doing enough? Despite having a day full of adventure, of fun, of productivity? Do you ever feel like you don’t know where you are in life, but are running out of time? But what is time, really, when you think about it? And if there’s no God, what are all of the churches for? And who is Jesus’ dad?

Well, you just might be in your twenties!

No, but seriously. What an emotional roller coaster this is — going from, here’s everything I need to accomplish, and here’s when I need to do it, and I’m going to make a damn list to make sure I get it done, to just lying in a blob in my bed (as I am doing now) and getting started on none of those projects. In my head I’ve published a book, working on my next one as I type, become a world-famous opera singer, learned how to speak 6 languages, and bought my own house!

Alas. I am just a baby girl!

But when is enough just enough? Why does there always need to be an “and then?” Am I lazy or burnt out? When is someone going to tell me what arrows to follow? Dora, where you at, girl?

And yet, the longer I sit here, ruminating on these topics, without finding an answer to any of them, the more time I spend sitting at my desk and not doing them! Not being an ARTIST. I am an artist! Corporate America loathes her! I want to create — in some form or fashion — and I don’t want to feel guilty for doing so — I don’t want to turn it into something I am stressed about (I don’t know if there’s any getting around that, though…)

I’m tired of feeling stressed about money, about time, about who I’m impressing, about what is the “right” way. I’m tired of trying, of failing, of beginning so many projects at once, and feeling as though I never finish any of them. 

I’m tired of feeling as though nothing I do, produce, or feel, is enough. 

***

I’ve returned to this post several hours later. I wasn’t going to publish it, but, after reading it again, I feel a need to. 

Not only did it help for me to write down everything that was going on in my brain during an insane feeling of overwhelm, I also believe it’s important for everyone to read – and feel — those kinds of emotions. 

These emotions aren’t just a one-time thing. They don’t just come around every now and then when something bad happens. These feelings come on Every. Single. Day. Some days are better than others. Sometimes I’m better at handling them than others. Sometimes I don’t handle them at all. I just let them pass through me. But they always come at me with that level of intensity — it’s just a matter if I’m ready to deal with them or not. 

I’m posting this because it is genuinely what chronic anxiety looks like — and feels like. Reading back over this, hours later, when such feelings have subsided, I can see now how people may call it dramatic, or reactive, or silly. But, in those moments, all of these feelings are real. They are scary; they feel like the world is ending in that instant. 

I really don’t want to post this and have people feel bad for me, either. I’m a big girl. I’ve had 24 years of these feelings. 

But, my goal is that people read this and extend compassion to everyone and everything they may be feeling. Don’t judge just because you may not understand. As cliche as it sounds, you never know what is going on inside someone’s head. 

Welp, there goes the optimistic message again~